Monday 8 January 2018

“Minecraft chat-rooms are full of inane CRAP!” Another irony-free edition of The Panel (Mar. 11, 2013)

18 March 2013 at 10:48 am
“Minecraft chat-rooms are full of inane CRAP!”
Another irony-free edition of The Panel
Radio New Zealand National, Monday 11 March 2013
Jim Mora, Charlotte Graham, Nevil Gibson, Chris Wikaira
JIM MORA: Okay it’s quarter to four, and Charlotte Graham is here, with what the wo-o-o-o-o-o-orld’s talking about! What have you got for us today?
CHARLOTTE GRAHAM: Well, first up is this story about a mobile phone that costs just one pound.
MORA: One pound?
CHARLOTTE GRAHAM: [betraying slight irritation] Yes.
MORA: Mmmm-kay. What else?
CHARLOTTE GRAHAM: Well there’s this curious story of an e-mail bug—
MORA: One of the dubious legacies of Hugo Chávez!
CHARLOTTE GRAHAM: Yes, e-mails are circulating with bugs in them.
MORA: And he’s being embalmed, is he?
CHARLOTTE GRAHAM: Yes, he’ll get the full Lenin treatment and will be embalmed for decades, which is delightful!
MORA: [suddenly thoughtful, serious] Who is embalmed? Eva Perón?
NEVIL “BREIVIK” GIBSON: Stalin. And the Kims are pretty good at it.
CHARLOTTE GRAHAM: Mummification, which in the case of is a terrifying thought! [chuckles]
MORA: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Indeed! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, anything else?
CHARLOTTE GRAHAM: Yes, this one is about Kate Middleton. She’s been criticized for having no opinions..
MORA: Is there still a place for the smiling royal bride, do you think, Nevil Gibson?
BREIVIK GIBSON: Ooooh yeah.
MORA: Well, there’s certainly a lot of opinions going to be expressed on The Panel today! Back after the news!
………4 o’clock News……….
MORA: Okay, on The Panel today are Nevil Gibson and Chris Wikaira. Nevil Gibson, you love the movies don’t you!
BREIVIK GIBSON: I do, and I’ve been watching all the movies that were nominated for the Academy Awards.
MORA: Which one was your favorite?
BREIVIK GIBSON: I thought Zero Dark Thirty was the best film of the year. Although it suffered a bit of a backlash.
MORA: It did a bit!
BREIVIK GIBSON: Though Argo was a good popular film.
MORA: But it got its facts wrong didn’t it.
BREIVIK GIBSON: It did. It was hard for Ben Affleck to get everything right.
MORA: Okay. Do you think John Key should have gone to the funeral of Hugo Chávez?[snickers nervously]
BREIVIK GIBSON: Oooooh, I think there are two groups in South America. We are NOT in that one!
MORA: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Okay, onto the Novopay debacle. You two have both got excellent political antennae. Any thoughts on this?
BREIVIK GIBSON: Maybe they should have stuck with the bulk-funding.
MORA: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
CHRIS WIKAIRA: Ha ha ha ha ha!
BREIVIK GIBSON: Which was abolished by the Labour government.
MORA: Ha ha ha ha ha! Thank you Nevil Gibson! All right, next up is an allegedly racist speech by Bill Rayner of Grey Power. What do you think? Should we be able to TALK about these issues?
WIKAIRA: Of COURSE we should be able to talk about it! Kapai, Bill!
MORA: Can we have an open conversation without the “racist” epithet being flung around? Okay, Bill Rayner joins us now.
BILL RAYNER: Good afternoon, Jim and good afternoon to the Panelists.
MORA: Okay, so you’re talking about assimilatible integration, yeah? Are you the same as Tariana Turia?
BILL RAYNER: Yes. Pakeha New Zealanders are discriminated against in their own country. Dual passports are unavailable to traditional New Zealand people.
MORA: You say the old people are finding it hard to cope. Why?
BILL RAYNER: Once again it’s cultural linkage. The council is canceling the lease of the Takapuna Croquet Club to build a four-story block of flats.
MORA: But, but surely—-
BILL RAYNER: I’m the least racist person in New Zealand. I’m part-Maori myself. It’s difficult when you’re accused of being racist.
MORA: I’ve gotta go, Bill. Time for the news.
…….4:30 News and Weather……..
MORA: Okay, it’s time to hear what our Panelists have been THINKING ABOUT. Chris Wikaira, what’s on your mind?
WIKAIRA: I’m concerned about the intellectual standard of Minecraft discussions on the YouTube bulletin boards.
MORA: Really?
WIKAIRA: Have either of you ever read the Minecraft discussion boards?
MORA: No I don’t think I have!
BREIVIK GIBSON: [with disdainful gravitas] N-n-no.
WIKAIRA: Well, I have, and I assure you, it is inane C-R-R-R-RAP! [An uninteresting ramble follows for several minutes.]
MORA: Mmmm-kay. [awkward silence] Nevil Gibson, anything on YOUR mind?
BREIVIK GIBSON: Yes, I am concerned about the shops not being open on Queen Street on Sundays. …..
et cetera, ad infinitum, ad tedium….
  • Bill14.1
    18 March 2013 at 10:54 am
    Chavez ain’t being embalmed. Just sayin’.
    • Morrissey14.1.1
      18 March 2013 at 11:05 am
      No, but it made no difference to those three fools.
    • Chris14.1.2
      18 March 2013 at 1:04 pm
      Could be a mistake in the write-up above but assuming this was actually from last Monday then at that point the plan was for him to be embalmed. They have come out since then to say that they won’t as the process would involve the body being sent to Russia for 7-8 months.
      If this was from today then yes they should have known better.
      • Morrissey14.1.2.1
        18 March 2013 at 3:47 pm
        No, Chris, there was no mistake in my transcription. But as you say, the programme was broadcast last Monday, so they were all quite justified in their belief that he was going to be embalmed.

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