Daisycutter Sports WORLD CUP SPECIAL (Vol. 1) Oct. 26, 2003

Daisycutter Sports WORLD CUP SPECIAL (Vol. 1) 
Weeks 1 and 2

Tuesday 7/10/03
Three days to kick-off!  The excitement builds.  On Radio Sport,
they're marking the great occasion by bringing on the smartest and
most clued-up football commentators to comment on the game.  Right?  I
mean, just look who's on  the breakfast show with MARTIN ("Moron")
DEVLIN.   Andy Haden?  Nope.  Haden won't talk to Devlin, who he
regards as an idiot.   Lindsay Knight?  Ditto.  Any ex- All Black?
Nope.  Virtually nobody who knows anything about football will waste
his breath talking to Martin Devlin.

Well, there must be SOMEONE who knows something about football who'll
condescend to appear on Devlin's show.  Surely....

Well, yeah.  Here he comes now.   So who is it that Devlin has lined
up to comment on the World Cup?  It's... it's.... it's.... it's the
high-powered, brainy and respected errrrrr.... ummmmm...  TONY
("Veitchy") VEITCH.   ??!?!?!!!!???!?!?

Sorry!  Forget what I just said!   Apparently, Radio Sport is trying a
radical, exciting, new broadcasting strategy.  Instead of boring old
experts, who generally know what they're talking about, the station is
wheeling on the most hopeless, least respected sports commentators in
New Zealand, if not the world.  So it's Tony Veitch, not the much
smarter, better-informed Tony Johnson, filling in for KEITH ("Quinny")
QUINN on the "Keith Quinn Comment" at 7:40.  You thought Quinn was a
hopeless, doddering old bore?  Well, just listen to this Veitch
fellow....

First of all, Devlin comments, cretinously and quite wrongly, that
"the expectancy in 1999 undermined our chances."   Veitch replies
thusly: "Awwwww, mate, I'll never forget the NIGHTMARE of ‘99.  I was
there at Twickenham for that game and I still can't figure out how
they lost after leading 24-10."

Now, of course, if Veitch really had been WATCHING the game, he would
be aware of how France dominated the All Blacks from the opening
whistle, and how it was only the constant giving away of penalties by
the cynical French team that gave the All Blacks a 17-10 halftime
lead, completely against the run of play.  That, and an unwillingness
to tackle Jonah Lomu on two occasions.
 
I have no doubt that if Veitch WAS in fact there, he was too drunk to
actually watch the match.  Otherwise, he would know  that, in the
context of that game, the All Blacks' 24-10 lead over France was about
as safe as the early 8-0 lead held by the Mali basketball team over
the Dream Team at the 1992 Olympics.   Not that Veitch would realise,
of course, or care.

Next, Veitch slags off the gruesome twosome, McCaw and Rutherford who,
he says, "cocked up our World Cup hosting rights."  For some reason,
Veitch does not mention the part played by an even more gruesome, some
might say sinister, twosome, viz. O'Neill and Pugh.

Wednesday 8/10/03
The Keith Quinn Comment.  Yep, you guessed it - "Veitchy" again!
Today, he whinges about how the All Black management will not
communicate with him and other "journos" about Ali Williams' injury.
"What do they think we all are, Marty - IDIOTS?"

Thursday 9/10/03
Devlin talks to GRAHAM ("Moods") MOODY about the All Blacks' arrival
in Melbourne, where they were greeted by thousands of excited fans.
"Thankfully," says Moody, "they didn't give their stoney-faced look!"
 To which Devlin replies, sourly, "No - they saved that for the press
yesterday..."

Friday 10/10/03
Opening Ceremony for the World Cup:  as we suspected, generally an
embarrassment.  Tedious and cringe-making, but mercifully not too
long.  As for the opening game:  well, the Argentine players'
incompetence probably would have seen them lose even with a fair
referee who played advantage and wasn't inventing reasons to penalise
them.  But with the whistle-happy performance by PAUL ("Not
straight!") HONISS, they never had a chance.  Is this writer the only
person who knew the opening game was doomed as soon as he saw that
Honiss was the referee?

Saturday 11/10/03
Shock and horror!!!
Footballers hold idiotic pressmen in contempt!!!
Read all about it!!!
All Black selector and former Manawatu and All Black hard man MARK
("Cowboy") SHAW explains to the Listener's Lindsay Rabbitt why he
holds the New Zealand press in contempt....  Normally, he says, he
doesn't speak to the press: his lip curls and his tone roughens when
talking about "negative and uninformed" criticism of the current
selection process.    Shaw has no problem with people having different
opinions.  The problem, he explains, is the press, which has "become
more tabloid.  They're becoming more hungry for headlines. You've got
a culture of young reporters who are not specialist rugby reporters
[with] a grounding and a history in the game and who are able to be
analytical.

"You've got a lot of fleas in the system. They write shit. They've got
no idea of what they're talking about. We can't be sidelined or swayed
by fleas.

"I'll talk to anyone about footy, who I respect, who understands
footy, and has been there and done that, who has made contributions to
the game at whatever level. But I can't waste my time talking footy
with fleas."  (LISTENER October 18 2003)

Those in the know are aware that when Shaw says "the press", he means
primarily the unwelcome and despised newcomer Radio Sport.   That
broadside against "young reporters" who have no "grounding" or
"history" in football could just as validly apply to the middle-aged
and older reporters, of course.  But it's the pernicious influence of
Radio Sport  that he is really targeting.  So-called "reporters" like
WYNNE ("Sensible") GRAY and JIM ("Genius") KAYES certainly "write
shit" but it's the endless TALKING shit by ignorant hosts and the
hopeless harrys that ring them up that obviously irritates the likes
of Cowboy Shaw.   And the worst, most obnoxious of all those who talk
shit about the game is, without doubt, Radio Sport's Martin Devlin.

Meanwhile, in the World Cup, it's France v Fiji in Brisbane.  Is
Rupeni's try the greatest solo try you've ever seen?  And what about
the pass that set him on his way?  Sheer perfection.

Sunday 12/10/03
Watching the England-Georgia game?  Me neither.

Monday 13/10/03
Amazing turnaround!  GRANT ("Foxy") FOX, interviewed by Devlin at 7:25
am, praises the French team.  He's certainly changed his tune from
1999 when, asked shortly before the NZ-France semi-final if France had
any chance at all, he screwed up his face and said stupidly:
"N-n-nuh!"   At halftime of that match, an ashen-faced Foxy was
snarling about the French being "barbaric".   Unlike the stupid and/or
drunken Tony Veitch, Foxy realised that the French were on a roll in
that game and that no team, not even the All Blacks, could resist
them.

This time, though, the legendary first five-eighth is a bit more
realistic and speaks with a little more intelligence.  He has to admit
that France has got power, strength, speed, brains and discipline.
"The loose cannons are GONE," he says.

Football expert (not) "Veitchy" is back in the Keith Quinn Comment
slot.  Today he bemoans how the All Blacks "just expect us to swallow
their lies."  He's exasperated about the way Mitchell and co. won't
tell them straight what is wrong with Umaga, Williams, and Mauger.
Devlin of course agrees, saying that there is "no connection with this
team".

Next up is MATTHEW ("Coops") COOPER, who with Fox is one of the few
New Zealand football people who WILL speak to Devlin.  Coops is full
of praise for Daniel Carter, who he says is "the nearest thing we've
ever had to a French back - someone who can just cut the opposition to
ribbons."

After the news, Devlin wheels on that glib and voluble twit NICK
FARR-JONES.  For some time now, Farr-Jones, along with some other
ex-Wallabies, has been ineptly trying to wage a psychological campaign
against the All Blacks, repeatedly suggesting that their unwillingness
to talk to deadbeats in the New Zealand press will adversely affect
their football.  This is the sort of thing that Devlin just loves to
hear, so of course he hauls Farr-Jones onto the programme.  Farr-Jones
clearly thinks he's a cut above the average football player, and he
strives to come up with a clever aphorism: "The All Blacks," he
solemnly pronounces, "have the humour of grave-diggers."  This, apart
from being useless and unmemorable, is also inaccurate, and serves to
show up Farr-Jones up as an illiterate chump.  Everybody knows that
graveyard humour is the funniest, and that grave-diggers are a barrel
of laughs.  Obviously, Farr-Jones never studied Hamlet at school.   He
gets an appreciative chuckle from Devlin, however.

Tuesday 14/10/03
A beleaguered Devlin is feeling really angry.  Though it is Mark Shaw
who has been the most outspoken in his denunciation of him lately,
Devlin has other fish to fry.  He shouts: "Where on EARTH did TVNZ get
Jeff Wilson from?"   He slams the great All Black for speaking in
cliches during his World Cup commentaries.  "Remember," he sneers,
"this is a guy who absolutely HATES the media."  He then launches into
an extended rave.  "We should DEMAND competence!  I honestly think he
is the LAMEST comments man I've ever heard.  His comments are INANE
and POINTLESS!"

Devlin's claim that Wilson "hates the media" is not correct, of
course.  Wilson, like his All Black team-mates, lost any respect he
might have had for the ability and integrity of most New Zealand rugby
"journalists" after the last World Cup, when a small but influential
number of  them chose to parrot the cretinous Murray Deaker line that,
in the semi-finals, the All Blacks would just walk over... (wait for
it!)... FRANCE!!!!

However, even the foolish WYNNE ("Sensible") GRAY and the
overbearingly sycophantic and pompous MURRAY ("Deaks") DEAKER are
generally reckoned to be good guys, even if a little gullible, stupid
and dull.  Devlin, on the other hand, is something else. He is
regarded as a turd.  In his book Seasons of Gold, Wilson wrote
scathingly of "one reporter" whose ignorant, disrespectful, demeaning
and vicious verbal attacks on the players angered the entire All Black
team.  That "one reporter", as everybody knew,  was Martin Devlin.
 
Remarkably, in spite of being regarded as not only ignorant and nasty,
but incompetent, by both the football community and his own
colleagues, Devlin has stayed on in his sinecure job at Radio Sport.
But he has never forgiven Wilson, who has never disguised his contempt
for Devlin.  Hence the vehemence of Devlin's comments.
 
Some time later, Devlin reads out Mark Shaw's comments from the
Listener.  When he is finished reading, he sniffs:  "Maybe a couple of
rounds short of a six-shooter with those comments."  Then he lamely
tries to make light of the criticism:  "Well, I suppose he could have
called us worse things than fleas!"  That, of course, is not correct.
Shaw's contempt for substandard rugby journalists is real and not
something to be laughed off.  Devlin clearly feels humiliated.  He is
right to take Shaw's comments personally.

At 7:50, talking to Melbourne-based commentator GRAHAM ("Moods")
MOODY, Devlin cannot resist bringing up Shaw's comments.  Devlin:
"Who does he mean, do you think?"   Moody pauses carefully before
replying.  "It certainly shows a level of disdain, doesn't it," he
comments, diplomatically.

Wednesday 15/10/03
Devlin's rabid attack on Jeff Wilson continues.  First of all, Devlin
attempts to dignify his foaming at the mouth by announcing that it is
a "critique".  He sneers that Jeff Wilson "hates ALL - or nearly all -
journalists."  "His comments are bland, inane, and offer no insight.
He's HOPELESS!"  He then states that, on this particular topic, he's
"qualified to offer comment.  This is my profession and has been for
fourteen years," he says.  (In case anyone is tempted to accept
Devlin's assurance that he is "qualified to offer comment", you should
be aware that he praised the spineless "embedded reporters" during the
invasion of Iraq.)  Devlin notes that there have been angry calls to
Radio Sport and a whole lot of hate mail.  "I stand by my comments,"
he blusters defiantly.

Thursday 16/10/03
Did you get off work early so as to rush home to catch Jason Fa'afoi
hosting the replay of Samoa v Uruguay?  Me neither....

Friday 17/10/03
Further proof that Martin Devlin is a moron.  In the course of
presenting an uninteresting and unfunny "Top Five Questions" list, he
avers that Major League Baseball umpires "never make mistakes".
Clearly it's not only football about which the guy knows next to
nothing.

At 5:30 pm, convicted forger, desert island pariah and pro-euthanasia
campaigner MICHAEL LAWS reminds Larry Williams that, yes, football
players absolutely despise the New Zealand football media.
....////....////....  Ever wondered what kind of fool actually
believed the brilliantly reasoned Phil Gifford thesis that the English
team are "too old"?  Well, here's one: TONY ("T.J.") JOHNSON.   The
chipmunk-like Johnson tells Larry Williams (Newstalk ZB) that he hopes
"we" get England "later in the tournament - when age will take its
toll on them."

Saturday 18/10/03
Radio Sport 9:00 to noon: this writer tunes in to the notorious
"Doug-Out" programme.  Host DOUG GOLIGHTLY is not averse to making the
odd outrageous and silly comment or three.  However, unlike a number
of his colleagues, it is clear that Doug has a degree of respect for
the traditions of the game and a regard for journalistic standards,
even though he is prepared to sometimes abandon those standards
himself.  Like many other of his colleagues, Doug has often made it
clear that he has little respect for Martin Devlin.  So it comes as no
surprise to hear him today endorsing Mark Shaw's comments.  "To be a
proper journalist," says Doug, ""you have to READ."  He then cites
George Nepia and T.P. McLean's famous I, George Nepia and a few other
classic football titles.  "To respect the present," Doug goes on, "you
have to understand and know the past."  Shortly after, the well-known
Auckland cricket and football identityu GRAHAM REDDAWAY rings up Doug
to endorse these comments.  Reddaway points out that Shaw's "flea'
comments were fair and reasonable.  "The only ones to kick up a fuss,"
he says, "were the insecure ones."  A little later, MURRAY ("Deaks")
DEAKER twists the knife into Devlin a little more.  "What's the
problem?" asks a remarkably sanguine Deaks, "If that is how he feels
about some reporters, GOOD ON HIM!"  ...////....////....  You probably
don't care about it, but today's rugby league "test" between Australia
and New Zealand at North Harbour Stadium will be the one-hundredth one
to be played between the two countries.  Which makes it an extra
special one.  However, reports are circulating that only 13,000
tickets have been sold for this historic occasion.  Dark mutterings
are also rife: the 13,000 figure is a gross exaggeration, ... most
tickets are being given away by the desperate promoters, ... this is
going to be another disaster.  "I've never known so many free tickets
to be given away," says Murray Deaker .  "Every radio station has
fistfuls of tickets to give away to this game!"  Soon after, the
Australian RL commentator PETER ("Sterlo") STERLING asserts that
tonight's RL test will be "a better spectacle than some of the Rugby
World Cup games we've seen so far."  He doesn't respond to Deaker's
observation that tickets for the RL test are "not selling like
hotcakes".  Perhaps, as Doug Golightly observed earlier in the day,
"some leaguies are notorious at adding up."  (9;25 a.m., Radio Sport
"Doug-out")  ....////....////....  The historic one hundredth RL test
duly takes place in front of a backdrop of empty seats, with most of
those present on freebies.  Ludicrously, the Kiwi team, which was
destroyed by the Australians earlier in the year, defeats a
third-string Kangaroo team....////....////....  Later that night, the
South Africa-England rugby match is an absorbing, pulsating,
atmospheric thriller, played in front of a capacity crowd, which is
enthralled to the end.  It makes a mockery of the defiant utterance of
poor Peter Sterling.

Sunday 19/10/03
That sleepwalking bore Chris Laidlaw, now ensconced as the most
pompous voice to be heard on a Sunday morning other than the Rev. Bob
Lowe, makes the cretinous and quite erroneous statement that New
Zealand television's coverage of  rugby is "the best in the world".
Any rugby fan knows that the best camera work is done by FRENCH
television.  Laidlaw knows that too, so you have to wonder why he
would say otherwise.  Has he been talking to another self-important
and orotund ex-Otago man, Murray deaker?   This time last year,
"Deaks" was bitching about the state of the television coverage of the
All Blacks' test in Paris, and asserting that New Zealand television
cameramen do the game better than anywhere else.  His comments were
not merely fatuous and insulting, as usual.  They were also utterly
wrong, as usual.  To hear Laidlaw repeating this mindless sort of
chauvinistic talk is disturbing....

England looked formidable again last night, and there is an unusual
degree of trepidation amongst the usually gung ho Radio Sport staff.
At 5:50 pm, we are treated to the orotund tones of Murray Deaker
making the following portentous statement: "I see that South Africa
now say that they think they can BEAT the All Blacks in the
quarter-final.  [Long, significant pause]  One hopes not.  I don't
know if we can HANDLE going out in a quarter-final."
....////....////....

Monday 20/10/03
7:45 pm, Deaker slags off TVNZ, moaning about the quality of its
"analysis".  He might well have a point, but I will bet a silk pajama
that no football analyst on TVNZ has ever come up with anything as
idiotic as Deaker's "analysis" before the 1999 World Cup semis that he
could not see France (FRANCE!!!!) getting within 25 points of the All
Blacks....

Later on tonight, a spirited performance against Scotland from the
USA, but in the opinion of this writer, the Californian Grizzlies that
came here in ‘72 would have beaten this team.  The Grizzlies were much
more exciting to watch.  There's nobody like the devastating Grizzlies
centre Rob Scribner in this team.  Has the USA made any progress at
all in the standard of their rugby over the last thirty years?

Tuesday 21/10/03
Damn!  Missed Queer Eye for the Straight Guy again.  Slept right
through the evening; missed letterman too.

Wednesday 22/10/03
Argentina v Romania.  What the hell happened to Romania?  A generation
ago, they were developing as the next great rugby power.  I like that
bald prop, who looks really good.  First thing they should do is get
rid of that brainless flyhalf, who kicks away every bit of decent ball
they win.  I'm surprised that his forwards don't say something.

Thursday 23/10/03
Ooooh!  Must see Changing Rooms tonight - they're transforming a
"groovy 70s bedroom into the epitome of contemporary chic".  In
Masterton.

Friday 24/10/03
The lovely Serena is paying moi a visit.  I spend most of the day
spring cleaning Chez Breen, sipping Pimms, gobbling sushi and
listening to Concert FM.
 
Saturday 25/10/03
On the Doug-Out, the host is unimpressed by last night's 91-7
humiliation of Tonga.  A bemused caller asks: "They've won the
Bledisloe Cup and the Tri-Nations.  This year they've beaten France,
Australia and South Africa and just lost to England.  Just what will
it take for some people to say something positive about the All
Blacks?"  Totally unfazed, Doug replies:  "Winning the World Cup."

Just before the end of the Doug-Out, Doug has an interesting little
chat with incoming host Murray Deaker.  "A bird has whispered in my
ear that one of our colleagues is in serious trouble with TVNZ for
comments he's made about TV1's coverage of the World Cup.  And the
strongest critic of all has been Martin Devlin - let's not beat around
the bush here!"

Doug:  [scarcely restraining his glee]  "He's in for the chop!"

Deaks:  "Well...."

[Long pause]

Doug:  "He's a.... good one, isn't he!"

Deaks:  "He's an entertainer, isn't he.  If nothing else.  If TVNZ
were wanting to make a humorous programme around the World Cup, they
know who they could go to...."
 
Sunday 26 /10/03
Deaker reads out some comments about the drug THG by "Oliver Mag-nay".
 He means of course, the great French flanker Olivier Magne.  Now,
Deaker either (a) knows the proper pronunciation of Magne's name,
which makes his mis-pronunciation of it a crass insult, or (b) he is
totally ignorant of it.  Considering that Deaker has often boasted of
his 16 per cent in School Certificate French, we select option (b).

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