Who will be the lead mourner at Obama’s funeral?

31 December 2013 at 1:46 pm

Who will be the lead mourner at Obama’s funeral?

Fast forward thirty-seven years. The venerable ex-President Barack (The Great Liberator) Obama has finally died from smoking-related complications. President Justin Bieber will speak, of course, but it’s important that the keynote speech, the very first of all the official eulogies to be delivered in RFK Stadium, is delivered in accordance with the tradition laid down by the South African government way back in December 2013, when Obama himself was chosen to lead the mourning at the memorial service of another liberation hero, Nelson Mandela. [1]

That tradition is to select someone who stands for the very opposite of what the dead person stood for in his lifetime, and to get that person to deliver the lead eulogy. As an exercise in enforcing collective obedience and heroic repression of the urge to laugh or to vomit, it is extremely valuable.

So the question is: what liberal, democratic activist from the late 2040s can be found to swallow his or her scruples and pretend to have been inspired by Obama, in the same way as Obama pretended he had been inspired by Mandela? Is there any democratic activist who has the ability to keep a straight face as he (or she) addresses the crowd about someone who actually fought against democracy and freedom throughout his dire eight years of presidency?

Probably not. Maybe Chris Trotter would have, but he’s long dead.

So, the question has to be asked: is there anyone in the entire world who would beshameless enough to deliver a mealy-mouthed, utterly insincere eulogy for the late President Obama, just as President Obama delivered a mealy-mouthed, utterly insincere eulogy for the late Nelson Mandela.

Well, it so happens that there is someone who is just perfect for the job of leading the show of mourning for Barack Obama in the tradition, laid down by Obama himself, of eulogizing a person one would have persecuted and imprisoned if one had had the power to do so.

He is getting long in the tooth: in 2050 he will be 104 years old. But, thanks to the miracle of daily monkey gland injections, the drinking of gallons of Amrit Ras and the yearly blood sacrifice of a mewling sycophant [2] on the world’s longest-running TV series The Apprentice, this world leader, and former president (2020-4), is still going strong.

Yes, step forward LORD DONALD TRUMP (May God Bless His Holy Name)…..

Ex-President Lord Trump’s Eulogy for Barack ObamaDecember 11, 2050 

To Michelle and the Obama family; to President Bieber and members of the government; to heads of state and government, past and present; distinguished guests – it is a singular honor to be with you today, to celebrate a life unlike any other. To the people of Kenya – people of every race and walk of life – the world thanks you for sharing Barack Obama with us. His struggle was your struggle. His triumph was your triumph. Your dignity and hope found expression in his life, and your freedom, your democracy is his cherished legacy. 

It is hard to eulogize any man – to capture in words not just the facts and the dates that make a life, but the essential truth of a person – their private joys and sorrows; the quiet moments and unique qualities that illuminate someone’s soul. How much harder to do so for a giant of history, who moved a nation toward justice, and in the process killed and imprisoned and persecuted millions around the world.Born in August 1961, far from the corridors of power, a boy raised herding cattle and tutored by elders of his cannibal tribe – Barack would emerge as the first great liberator of the 21st century. Like Anders Breivik, he would lead a resistance movement – a movement that at its start held little prospect of success. 

….continues insanely in front of braindead, silent crowd, just like the one in Johannesburg in December 2013….

[1] Now discredited and rarely mentioned any more.
[2] The lucky Ivy League grad. is selected with a doom-inflected “You’re DEAD!” by the Great Man himself, and dispatched by his septuagenarian son Donald Trump Jr. and the captain of the winning team, with cudgels, live on air. Always a top-rating episode, more so when the winning captain is a female.