"SPRING FEVER"
[suppressed Colonial House episode - Part 1 of 3]
May 24, 2003
VOICE-OVER: It's September in 1852 Lyttleton, and that means one
thing: spring fever. Not only for the Hutton family, but also for
their neighbour Bobs, who lives further down the hill.
TO BE CONTINUED..........
thing: spring fever. Not only for the Hutton family, but also for
their neighbour Bobs, who lives further down the hill.
[Cut to shot of BOBS, leading a pair of friesian heifers along a dusty
road]
road]
VOICE-OVER: For Bobs, a yeoman farmer recently arrived, like the
Huttons, from the mother country, the first major task of springtime
entails having his cows inseminated, or as Bobs would put it, "given a
good seeing-to". This year Bobs has hired the services of a bull from
Nelson province. The stud beast in question is named RICK, and he is
reputed to be the largest stud bull in the whole of the south island. Rick's owners are the voluptuous but fearsome twin sisters, Felicity
and Georgina Pumpington.
Huttons, from the mother country, the first major task of springtime
entails having his cows inseminated, or as Bobs would put it, "given a
good seeing-to". This year Bobs has hired the services of a bull from
Nelson province. The stud beast in question is named RICK, and he is
reputed to be the largest stud bull in the whole of the south island. Rick's owners are the voluptuous but fearsome twin sisters, Felicity
and Georgina Pumpington.
[Cut to close-up of two fleshy thirty-something twin sisters holding
their huge stud bull RICK, who is clearly in a state of massive
readiness to "serve" his impending visitors....]
their huge stud bull RICK, who is clearly in a state of massive
readiness to "serve" his impending visitors....]
VOICEOVER: Since this is 1852, no eight-wheeled motorised stock
trucks have yet been invented, so Bobs has to lead his cows on foot
to the Pumpington sisters' farmlet and stud bull operation. It's hot
work, and the strain is starting to tell....
trucks have yet been invented, so Bobs has to lead his cows on foot
to the Pumpington sisters' farmlet and stud bull operation. It's hot
work, and the strain is starting to tell....
BOBS: [sweating profusely as he talks to camera] I'd rather roast my
nuts over an open fire while being buggered by half the Prussian
landwehr than drive these [expletive deleted] animals along this
[expletive deleted] road. [Expletive deleted] this for a [expletive
deleted]-ing bunch of soldiers!
nuts over an open fire while being buggered by half the Prussian
landwehr than drive these [expletive deleted] animals along this
[expletive deleted] road. [Expletive deleted] this for a [expletive
deleted]-ing bunch of soldiers!
[Modern Japanese cars whizz past. In the background, an aeroplane can
be seen.]
be seen.]
VOICE-OVER: But the long hard trek to the Pumpingtons' stud will soon
come to an end. Bobs is sure to cheer up when he sees the twin
sisters. After all, it is springtime, and you can be sure the sap is
rising in Bobs just the same as in the rest of God's creatures....
come to an end. Bobs is sure to cheer up when he sees the twin
sisters. After all, it is springtime, and you can be sure the sap is
rising in Bobs just the same as in the rest of God's creatures....
______________________________
[Cut to long shot of HUTTON FAMILY cabin, a typical mid-19th century
shack. All around it are modern 21st century dwellings, with TV
aerials and power lines clearly visible.]
shack. All around it are modern 21st century dwellings, with TV
aerials and power lines clearly visible.]
VOICEOVER: It might be springtime in 1852 Lyttleton, but tensions
are coming to a head in the Colonial House....
are coming to a head in the Colonial House....
DOROTHY: [shouting] Emma! When you've finished sweeping the house
and washing the breakfast dishes, make sure you feed the chooks and
then change and feed baby Neil. Then you can make the boys' beds and
wash the clothes. After that, you can help me starch your father's
underpants, then you can start getting lunch ready.
and washing the breakfast dishes, make sure you feed the chooks and
then change and feed baby Neil. Then you can make the boys' beds and
wash the clothes. After that, you can help me starch your father's
underpants, then you can start getting lunch ready.
EMMA: [storms into drawing room, holding baby Neil. She is wearing a
frilly bonnet, and is rosy cheeked, partly due to her domestic
exertions, and partly due to her state of high dudgeon.] Mum, this
really SUCKS! Those boys do nothing all day long! All they do is go
fishing for eels. They're really lazy little ....
frilly bonnet, and is rosy cheeked, partly due to her domestic
exertions, and partly due to her state of high dudgeon.] Mum, this
really SUCKS! Those boys do nothing all day long! All they do is go
fishing for eels. They're really lazy little ....
ROSS JUNIOR: Well, we don't HAVE to because boys did no work around
the house in 1852. Ha ha!
the house in 1852. Ha ha!
IAN: Let's go to the creek! See ya later, Sis! Make sure you make
my bed nicely will you? It was a bit crinkled last night.
my bed nicely will you? It was a bit crinkled last night.
[ROSS JUNIOR and IAN run off into the wilderness]
EMMA: Oh, it's just so UNFAIR!!!! [looks forlorn. Baby Neil
starts to cry.]
EMMA: Oh, it's just so UNFAIR!!!! [looks forlorn. Baby Neil
starts to cry.]
______________________________
[Cut to Pumpington sisters' stud. In the background, we can discern
RICK mounting one of the friesian heifers while the other heifer sucks
RICK's tail. In the foreground, BOBS and the PUMPINGTON SISTERS
stand observing this spectacular bovine transaction....]
RICK mounting one of the friesian heifers while the other heifer sucks
RICK's tail. In the foreground, BOBS and the PUMPINGTON SISTERS
stand observing this spectacular bovine transaction....]
BOBS: [breathing very fast, salivating, leering at Pumpington twins]
Hey, you know what I wish I was doin' right now?
Hey, you know what I wish I was doin' right now?
GEORGINA PUMPINGTON: [languidly, bored] No we don't know. Why
don't you tell us?
don't you tell us?
BOBS: I wish I was doin' THAT!!! [nods in direction of RICK and
heifers]
heifers]
GEORGINA: Well, Bobs, they're YOUR cows....
______________________________
VOICEOVER: Meanwhile, back in the Colonial House, EMMA is outside
pegging out clothes. Her parents ROSS and DOROTHY HUTTON are inside
the house, engaging in a serious discussion, their voices lowered so
that their daughter cannot hear....
pegging out clothes. Her parents ROSS and DOROTHY HUTTON are inside
the house, engaging in a serious discussion, their voices lowered so
that their daughter cannot hear....
ROSS: Well, fourteen is leaving it a bit too late, in my humble
opinion. If we haven't married her off in the next month, I will
have no choice but to leave her in the care of Mother Superior Tilly
at the Little Sisters of Zion.
opinion. If we haven't married her off in the next month, I will
have no choice but to leave her in the care of Mother Superior Tilly
at the Little Sisters of Zion.
DOROTHY: We simply HAVE to find a husband for her in the next
month, before she turns fourteen.... or we send her to a nunnery.
month, before she turns fourteen.... or we send her to a nunnery.
ROSS: Oh, I'm SURE that in the whole of Canterbury province, there
must be SOMEONE suitable for Emma to marry.
must be SOMEONE suitable for Emma to marry.
DOROTHY: We must find one highly eligible, well endowed young man....
and invite him to dinner!!!!.......
and invite him to dinner!!!!.......
VOICEOVER: It looks like the Huttons are going to have their work cut
out trying to find a suitable prospect for their daughter. Coming up after the break: Will Bobs' charm offensive cut any ice with the Pumpington sisters? ..... And what will Emma think about the idea of marrying THIS fellow? [Cue photo still of MORRISSEY BREEN]
out trying to find a suitable prospect for their daughter. Coming up after the break: Will Bobs' charm offensive cut any ice with the Pumpington sisters? ..... And what will Emma think about the idea of marrying THIS fellow? [Cue photo still of MORRISSEY BREEN]
TO BE CONTINUED..........
"Morrissey Breen" <morriss...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:fb3a0456.0305230702.
> VOICE-OVER: It's September in 1852 Lyttleton, and that means one
> thing: spring fever. Not only for the Hutton family, but also for
> their neighbour Bobs, who lives further down the hill.
>
> [Cut to shot of BOBS, leading a pair of friesian heifers along a dusty
> road]
>
> VOICE-OVER: For Bobs, a yeoman farmer recently arrived, like the
> Huttons, from the mother country,
From the West Country, no doubt :-)
 |
"Morrissey Breen" <morriss...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:fb3a0456.0305230702.
> VOICE-OVER: It's September in 1852 Lyttleton, and that means one
> thing: spring fever.
> thing: spring fever.
At the risk of sounding hackneyed and cliched: coffee, Anzac, keyboard :oD
Thanks for the laugh! Looking forward to the next thrilling installment....
Cheers
Winnie
Winnie
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