Tuesday, 16 January 2018

Woman’s mag editor humiliates dyspeptic old sod (Jul. 17, 2017)

18 July 2013 at 12:23 pm

“Let’s Ditch the Royals”, The Vote, TV3, Wednesday 17 July 2013, 8:30 p.m.
I swear this dog of a program only ever gets worse. I just cannot sit through the whole vacuous, advertising-larded hour, but here are a few of the “highlights” I garnered from brief looks at last night’s travesty.
For the Moot: Duncan Garner, Louise Wright, Ron Mark, Simon O’Connor
Against the Moot: Guyon Espiner, Laila Harré, “Sir” Robert Jones, Shane Jones
Moderator: Linda Clark
Like a fish, a television show rots from the head. Linda Clark has a law degree and is actually quite bright, but you would never know it by watching her on this program. Guyon Espiner might as well not even be there, he’s so disinterested. And Duncan Garner’s sole idea is to shout, “You’re a HYPOCRITE, Sir Bob!” intermittently throughout the hour.
As if Clark, Garner and Espiner aren’t substandard enough, just take a quick gander at the “talent” the hapless producers have lined up for this show. Louise Wright? She’s the particularly vacuous editor of a vacuous magazine, the Women’s Weekly. “Sir” Robert Jones? He’s unpleasant, cantankerous, and often physically violent. Linda Clark hinted the other day that Jones “behaved very badly” during this show; perhaps he will actually “do a Rod Vaughan” on Ron Mark or Simon O’Connor. Louise Wright is probably safe, though—even “Sir” Robert would probably not punch a woman on television. Ron Mark is notorious as a vacuous motormouth who has that rare ability to keep talking, even though he is actually saying nothing that makes sense. His too long tenure in parliament was marked by only one thing: his extraordinarily lengthy, anacoluthonic masterpieces during Question Time. Mark evidently considered himself to be quite clever. As anyone who listened to his questions, or managed to sit through last night’s program will know, he is anything but. In contrast to those three, Simon O’Connor, Laila Harré and Shane Jones should perform reasonably well.
So the choice of Wright, Mark and “Sir” Robert is a stark demonstration that the producers have absolutely no commitment to producing a serious show. Perhaps, though, the “talent” will confound us….
Actually, Louise Wright does exactly that, when she deals to the dreadful old property millionaire. She is vapouring on interminably about the love New Zealanders have for the Queen, and the great affection the Queen has for New Zealanders, when this happens…
SIR ROBERT JONES: [scowling and spluttering] Arrrrrghhhh! You would have been big on DOLLS when you were a little girl!
There is an uncomfortable silence. Just as animals in the wild can sense when a creature is rabid, the audience has quickly divined that Jones is slightly unhinged. Linda Clark dutifully breaks the tension…
LINDA CLARK: [nervously] Ha ha ha ha ha!
AUDIENCE: [hesitantly] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
LOUISE WRIGHT: [icily] Your charm is exceeded only by your beauty.
SIR ROBERT JONES: Arrrrrrrrggghhhh! Harrrumph! [He scowls and slumps into a resentful, glowering silence.]
For the rest of the program, Sir Robert mostly retreats into his shell. He has been upstaged and humiliated by not only a woman, but the editor of a woman’s magazine. For someone who labors under the ridiculous impression that he is an antipodean Evelyn Waugh, that is a catastrophic humiliation. Occasionally he will emerge from his glowering silence to snarl out angrily, “Arrrrrgggghhhh!”, “Pass the vomit bucket!” and “That’s ridiculous, RIDICULOUS!”
Perhaps the funniest thing Sir Robert says all night—funny because he is absolutely serious—is when he utters a threat: “You all heard that, there’s a defamation suit going out next week!” and then waves his arms in angry dismissal of the whole assembly. For a more disturbing display of pathetic, even heart-rending anger, you’d have to watch Twelfth Night, with the humiliated Malvolio swearing, “I’ll be revenged on the lot o’ you!”
The rest of the program was, as I suspected it would be, simply dreadful. Ron Mark has gotten even more full of himself since leaving parliament. Now he sports a natty Van Dyke, which somehow serves to underline his glibness and vacuousness. He embarked on one of his trademark wandery locutions, and would not have stopped if Linda Clark had not intervened. As Mark rambled on, Jones buried his head in his hands.
DUNCAN GARNER: Are you saying we should throw out everything from England, Shane?
SHANE JONES: No I’m not. I’m talking about an organic set of changes.
DUNCAN GARNER: Well what does THAT mean? “An organic set of changes”.
After that, there is an especially witless exchange between Guyon Espiner and Ron Mark, mercifully broken up by the ever cheerful “moderator”….
LINDA CLARK: All right! Let’s cut it there! LOTS to think about when we come back….
After the break, Sir Robert Jones is back on the warpath. Having failed against the woman, he sets his sights on the youthful National MP for Tamaki, Simon O’Connor….
SIR ROBERT JONES: [dyspeptic, choking on bile] He’s wearing BROWN SHOES, for God’s sake!
AUDIENCE: [uneasily] Ha ha ha ha ha!
SIR ROBERT JONES: You’re a thirty-five-year-old octogenarian! If you are the future of the National Party, then—- arrrrrrrggghhh!
AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha ha ha!
SIR ROBERT JONES: This is NONSENSE! The question is ABSURD! [choke, splutter, snarl]Arrrrrrgggghhhh. It’s ABSURD!
LINDA CLARK: Pause! Just PAUSE!
….Advertising…..
Sir Robert Jones’ epically funny meltdown was cringe-inducingly bad, but someone even more pathetic was to come. Regular listeners to Jim Mora’s Panel and Larry Lackwit Williams’ direHuddle segment on NewstalkZB will have recognized the hapless figure that featured next:Tim Watkin unconvincingly pretending to “work the phones”, frenetically updating viewers on the “live voting”—no numbers ever supplied— for the New Zealand “Head of State” if we ever became independent: “A lot of votes for Mateparae, lots for Apiata….” he shouts breathlessly, as if he’s in the middle of a conflagration in a war zone. As Watkin spews out this garbage, he is backed by urgent music, to underline the high drama of the occasion. Then it’s back to the top-level debate….
SIR ROBERT JONES: Look, I don’t want to be unkind, so I’ll just be FACTUAL. Look, most of them are quite STUPID!
AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha ha ha!
SIMON O’CONNOR: Look, Prince Charles earned hundreds of millions of pounds last year for charity. He is a man who LOVES New Zealand. He has promoted New Zealand wool….
SIR ROBERT JONES: Arrrrrrgggghhhh!
AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha ha ha!
LINDA CLARK: Ha ha ha ha ha! Sir Robert, you’re like that grumpy old bastard from the Muppets!
AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha ha ha!
LINDA CLARK: I was tempted to come down and do a Rod Vaughan on you!
AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha ha ha!
At the end of the program, all the voting is tallied up—-no actual numbers given, mind you—-and the pro-monarchy side has triumphed by 59 percent to 41. Nobody is surprised.
DUNCAN GARNER: I’m going to continue the debate on my Radio Live Drive program tomorrow. Thanks for watching The Vote.
GUYON ESPINER: Good night!
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1 comment:

  1. Drongo9 October 2018 at 23:53

    Linda Clark might have a law degree but she is anything but bright.

    ReplyDelete

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