Shane Jones exposed on Jeremy Kyle (Jan. 9, 2017)

11 January 2017 at 10:00 am

“These tests show that you’re a LIAR!”
Jeremy Kyle in New Zealand, Monday 9 January 2017
Part One of Two

We join the show near the end of the first segment. Host JEREMY KYLE stands centrestage, holding a large white envelope. To his right are seated HELEN CLARK and HEATHER SIMPSON, to his left sits the disgraced ex-Labour MP SHANE JONES. Hovering close by, ever vigilant, are two burly, black-clad security men….

JEREMY KYLE: All right, now just one more time, let’s get this quite clear: you say you did nothing in that hotel room except work on your Cabinet papers? [He turns to the audience and smirks disdainfully]

AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha!

SHANE JONES: Absolutely.

AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha ha ha!… BULLSH*T!…. He’s the Minister for Porn!…The only papers he was working through was tissue papers!…. Ha ha ha ha ha!

JEREMY KYLE: [waiting for the wave of catcalling and derisive laughter to subside] Well, let’s see what the lie detector tests say. …

[tears open envelope, scans contents, pauses several seconds for effect]….

JEREMY KYLE: These tests show that you’re a LIAR! You weren’t attending to cabinet papers in that hotel room, you were watching PORN!

SHANE JONES: Bugger the lie detector machines! They’re obviously faulty.

AUDIENCE: Ha ha ha ha ha! Not as faulty as the Labour Party candidate selection process!

JEREMY KYLE: These good citizens will be happy, I’m sure, to know that their hard-earned TAXES are going on rental copies of Debbie Does Dallas!

SHANE JONES: Piss off! It wasn’t Debbie Does Dallas, it was Vase de Noces.

….Awkward pause….

JEREMY KYLE: You disGUST me! Get off my show, NOW!

JONES skulks off, clutching the lie detector results slip…

WAGS FROM CROWD: He’s fit only for the ACT cult now!…. He’s got the situation FIRMLY in hand! …. Ha ha ha ha ha! …. Off to the National Party, Jones—that’s where all the wankers go!…. More huzzas, general hubbub, raucous laughter….

HELEN CLARK: [through gritted teeth] I knew it!

HEATHER SIMPSON: [bitterly, to Clark] I TOLD you you should NEVER have made that clown a cabinet minister in the FIRST place, for pity’s sake.

HELEN CLARK: [angrily rising from seat and advancing on SIMPSON] Don’t you DARE criticize my man-management! I ran a tight ship for NINE glorious years.

AUDIENCE: Fight, fight, fight!… Smash ‘er, Heather!

The security men step swiftly between SIMPSON and CLARK…

JEREMY KYLE: Now, now, settle down ladies. This is the Jeremy Kyle Show, not Jerry Springer! Maybe we’ll have you back on the show soon to discuss your legacy, Helen! For now, you go THAT way, and YOU—[pointing to SIMPSON]—go THAT way.

Exeunt CLARK and SIMPSON

JEREMY KYLE: And the best of luck to them. Coming up after the break: this man [close-up of SWORDFISH waiting nervously in green room] says that the people on New Zealand’s leading blog need to COOL IT during this election year and STOP all the SQUABBLING!

Cameras pan over nervous Standardistas waiting to make their entrance: marty mars, weka,Psycho Milt, Sasha and Morrissey.

To be continued…..

• swordfish5.1

  11 January 2017 at 4:56 pm

  .

  JEREMY KYLE: And the best of luck to them. Coming up after the break: this man[close-up of SWORDFISH waiting nervously in green room] says that the people on New Zealand’s leading blog need to COOL IT during this election year and STOP all the SQUABBLING!

  “Nervously” ???, Mozza, “Nervously” ??? … Never !!! I’ve always been a laid back sort of a Geeza, cool as a cucumber, me. I’d be sitting in the Green Room scheming up ways to subvert the programme by telling a few home truths that highlight Kyle’s remarkably ugly manipulative streak.

  Looking forward to the next instalment.

  By outrageous coincidence, my 16 year old Nephew (living in the UK) is a massive JEREMY KYLE fan (in common, no doubt, with most English 16 year old lads). His parents have spent a few years trying to wean him off the show (to no noticeable effect).
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