stoo-pid, ignorant stuff on Google Groups lately. This time, merely
assigning the bore to personal killfiles will not be enough. Tougher
measures are needed. Therefore, a large group of Google posters has
gathered to see one of the dumbest bastards in history get his just
desserts. Yes, the consensus of his peers is that it has become
necessary to execute Axel Van Kampen. The convenor of this gathering
is one MORRISSEY BREEN, who has cancelled a liaison with a married
woman from Perth, W.A. and made a special effort to travel to this
place of execution, accompanied by his dark-haired companion, the
gorgeous and bewitching children's nurse, Serena. BREEN now steps
forward to address the meeting...
BREEN: There's a heart-wrenching moment in John Steinbeck's Of Mice
and Men, where a poor old, rheumatic, smelly dog is taken out the back
of the cabin and shot. The build-up to the firing of the gun is very
effective, the pathetic intensity of the scene heightened by the
sympathy of the other men for the old man who owns the dog.
and Men, where a poor old, rheumatic, smelly dog is taken out the back
of the cabin and shot. The build-up to the firing of the gun is very
effective, the pathetic intensity of the scene heightened by the
sympathy of the other men for the old man who owns the dog.
[Murmuring. Cries of "How sad!" and "I read that book in school" and
"Get on with it, you long-winded pile of reeking leper's vomit!" and
"Hurry up Breen".]
"Get on with it, you long-winded pile of reeking leper's vomit!" and
"Hurry up Breen".]
BREEN: But lighten up, guys! I'm about to put another stupid brute
out of his misery, and I really don't think any of us will have any
feelings other than joy after THIS execution. You see, I am going to
euthanase a moron. A blithering, illiterate, offensive, humourless,
obnoxious, idiotic, whining, friendless, deluded, self-abusing
numbskull. Okay, step back fellas.
out of his misery, and I really don't think any of us will have any
feelings other than joy after THIS execution. You see, I am going to
euthanase a moron. A blithering, illiterate, offensive, humourless,
obnoxious, idiotic, whining, friendless, deluded, self-abusing
numbskull. Okay, step back fellas.
[The spectators take a few steps backward]
BREEN: Not you, Van Kampen!!! You come here. Sit down over there
and wait. Serena, get my Glock out of the car, my love. It's under
the driver's seat.
and wait. Serena, get my Glock out of the car, my love. It's under
the driver's seat.
[Turns to address AXEL VAN KAMPEN.]
BREEN: Alright, moron. I am going to get my lead prosecutor Mr
Richard Edlin, to read the indictment against you first, then I'm
going to put you out of your misery.
Richard Edlin, to read the indictment against you first, then I'm
going to put you out of your misery.
[Thread prosecutor RICHARD EDLIN steps forward, takes out print-out
from inane Google Groups thread, and reads aloud...]
from inane Google Groups thread, and reads aloud...]
RICHARD EDLIN: [gravely, with doom-laden authority] "ANTHONY WEBB,
also known as BLADE, also known as RAZOR, also known as KATE WENZEL,
also known as AMANDA LE BON, also known as AXEL VAN KAMPEN: you are
hereby charged, tried and convicted of serial public masturbation,
witless trolling and boring the other people in Google Groups silly.
It should also be noted that you are a regular and particularly dull
contributor to internet pornography newsgroups. This community cannot
find a single positive thing to say in your favour. You are hereby
sentenced to death."
also known as BLADE, also known as RAZOR, also known as KATE WENZEL,
also known as AMANDA LE BON, also known as AXEL VAN KAMPEN: you are
hereby charged, tried and convicted of serial public masturbation,
witless trolling and boring the other people in Google Groups silly.
It should also be noted that you are a regular and particularly dull
contributor to internet pornography newsgroups. This community cannot
find a single positive thing to say in your favour. You are hereby
sentenced to death."
[Excited, almost erotic gasp of shock from the crowd. VAN KAMPEN
retains look of stupid defiance.]
retains look of stupid defiance.]
BREEN: Ah, thank you, my love. [Takes Glock pistol from Serena] Awright, you freaking halfwit, stand up.
VOICE FROM CROWD: At least give him a blindfold Breen!
BREEN: What - are you going to lend him yours?
[Silence]
BREEN: I'd ideally like to spend a couple of hours torturing you
first, Van Kampen. But you are so extraordinarily thick and
impervious to any stimulation that I don't think you'd even notice.
first, Van Kampen. But you are so extraordinarily thick and
impervious to any stimulation that I don't think you'd even notice.
VOICE FROM CROWD: Hurry UP, Breen! M*A*S*H starts in fifteen
minutes!
minutes!
BREEN: Okay. Here goes...
[Steps up to Van Kampen, holding pistol in two hands.]
(Photo courtesy of Serena)
Left: AXEL VAN KAMPEN, Right: MORRISSEY BREEN
Left: AXEL VAN KAMPEN, Right: MORRISSEY BREEN
..............................
In the interests of good taste, we draw a discreet veil on events
following the above scene.
following the above scene.
https://groups.google.com/forum/#!msg/rec.sport.rugby.union/D_iRfe7jC68/7nQk9_EGRB0J;context-place=msg/rec.sport.rugby.union/GB74wl2EYSI/PfQizi3I2xkJ
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