One of these days Jim Kayes will lose it and attack Paul Henry on air. It’s what drives me to occasionally watch this horrible show. Paul Henry, TV3, Monday 9 November 2015, 7:10 a.m.
Anyone desperate or apathetic enough to regularly watch this train wreck will be aware that, aside from delivering poorly thought out extreme right wing rants and harassing his female underlings with suggestive and crude sexual remarks, one of Paul “Kill Them All” Henry’s major preoccupations is tormenting his sports slave Jim Kayes. This morning, Kayes rejoined the program after a few weeks away in England for the Rugby World Cup. Sadly for him, however, Henry immediately reverted to his cruel and contemptuous treatment of him…
PAUL “KILL THEM ALL” HENRY: Right Jim, sports, GO!
JIM KAYES: Thanks Paul. The New Zealand cricket team is heading for a heavy defeat in Brisbane…. [He drones on for a couple of minutes in a voice still bearing the strain of a cold he caught in England. Someone else has obviously noticed….]
PAUL “KILL THEM ALL” HENRY: Gosh, Jim, you’ve almost lost your voice. But don’t think for a MOMENT that you can have any time off. Not for ONE MOMENT!
JIM KAYES:[dubiously] Ha ha ha ha!
PAUL “KILL THEM ALL” HENRY:[grimly] I mean it. You’ll get NO TIME OFF.
HILLARY BARRY: I can read the sports news for him.
JIM KAYES: Thanks, Hills.
PAUL “KILL THEM ALL” HENRY: She can read the sports news, but you still have to be here.
…..Awkward pause…..
JIM KAYES: Anyway, I have some presents for everyone that I’ve brought back from the Rugby World Cup.
He proceeds to hand out a bunch of deliberately tacky souvenirs to the people in the studio. He gives his fellow slave Hillary a fridge magnet.
HILLARY BARRY: Thank you Jim. That’ll be very useful!
PAUL “KILL THEM ALL” HENRY: Yes, yes. And what about ME? What have you got for ME?
JIM KAYES: Well, Paul, I’ve heard that you have become a MASSIVE rugby fan—-
PAUL “KILL THEM ALL” HENRY: Oh, no, no, no. NO!
JIM KAYES: I’ve got you this.
He hands Henry a thermos cup emblazoned with the logos of all twenty RWC teams.
PAUL “KILL THEM ALL” HENRY: Oh Jim that is so SWEET. But I’ll never use it. It’s a simply AWFUL gift.
HILLARY BARRY: I’ll give you five bucks for it.
PAUL “KILL THEM ALL” HENRY: Sold. What an IDIOT’s gift! He he he he!….
Jim and Hillary both look depressed and joyless. It’s only 7:13 a.m., and they still have more than an hour and a half of this crap to go….
Are you comparing yourself to Shakespeare now, Moz?
I don’t think the comparison is quite fair to this writer. Shakespeare, to give him his due, did turn out some pretty sharp dialogue and some fast-moving, intricate plots, but he never supplied the detailed stage directions and actor tips that distinguish the oeuvre of this writer, i.e., moi.
And as much as I adore plays such as Twelfth Night and Love’s Labour’s Lost, can anyone really say that they are on the same level as the following?…..
It’s a rush transcript, typed out in a mood of pity mixed with fury. I missed out quite a lot of Henry’s kvetching about the gift he had received.
Just…not sure
One can always be sure of this with a Breen transcript: if it’s not verbatim—and many of them ARE verbatim—it will capture the essential flavour of the conversation it is attempting to immortalise. This one is accurate but not complete. I could have put in everything, but I just didn’t have the heart for it. I’m preparing a similar rush transcript version of this morning’s show, which “featured” a couple of really egregious guests, Rob “Fuckwit” Fyfe and Michele “Democracy Hater” Boag.
Shouldn’t you be pretending to care about the soldiers who were killed in World War I? It’s Remembrance Day, but you’re spending your time dumping inanities on the internet.
It’s what drives me to occasionally watch this horrible show.
Paul Henry, TV3, Monday 9 November 2015, 7:10 a.m.
Seriously though-haven’t seen H**** since it came back from the ‘failure in Australia’. Miss him terribly.